that rosebud girl

nostalgia trip …

the other day, while rummaging through my closet, i found this old journal. it was from my entire junior year in high school, the summer after my junior year, and about two weeks of my senior year in high school. it was a trip! stuff about people i haven’t thought of in years: rodney, jay, karen, dyna, cousin gaye, my old flip crew from guam — the lims, jhun, makoy, cathy. damn. it was crazy shit. those really were the best days. and maybe i did get to hang out more than i thought i did. hahaha. that journal even chronicled my entire relationship with vince, from meeting to breakup. now that was crazy, going through that stuff. makes me wonder what happened to all those people that i’ve totally fallen out of touch with. especially rodney. we were such good friends until the end of my senior year. our falling out was my fault, and to this day, i’m not sure what happened. but it was sad. two years of being best friends basically down the tubes. *sigh*

rodney silva, if you’re out there, i’m so sorry. i hope you’re doing fine.

one of these days, i am going to find all those people and find out what happened to them. i’m going to seek them out in person. kind of like “high fidelity” except they’re not all exes. and maybe i’ll make a movie about it. hahaha. i’d probably get sued or something. “that’s not how it happened!” hahaha.

lots of other random things going on this week. i had two full days on the copy desk (one more on saturday) and it kicked ass. i have the power to change people’s stories. hahaha. well, not really. but i have the power to whack a bunch of paragraphs off. now that’s fun. i suck at headlines still, but i think i just need practice. everyone thinks i am doing okay though, especially for someone who basically sat down and relatively cold. i hope this means more desk shifts — summer is so boring, story-wise. well, except for blue rocks baseball games. those are fun. but the manager has some sort of facial/acne problem or something. it’s kind of distressing looking at him.

michele’s a cappella group is starting to take off. she finally auditioned everyone. i think we’re going to be 10 or 12 or something like that. i forget. we’re already working on arranging songs (or more accurately, stealing other arrangements. shhhhh.) i’m trying to arrange this version of “sailing” (christopher cross — so 80s!) that’s done by this group from UVA. lots of listening. i think i’ve listened to the song 100 times already. but i’m almost there. i am harmony-obsessed now. i can’t sing a song in melody anymore. geez. we are all supposed to have our first meeting next wednesday. super excited for that.

now, off to go do something else. maybe nap. or maybe not.

change is nothing to fear.

do not be afraid of change. change is inevitable. embrace it or otherwise you will be left behind.

every so often, people’s goals and career paths change. i have been contemplating the arc of my journalistic career lately.

i used to dream pretty big. i wanted to cover a big-time college program and be in the middle of all that requisite flair and drama and excitement. i knew i never wanted to be a beat writer for a professional team — ed’s aspiration. college was always the big thing for me. it was all about being in a rowdy stadium on a saturday, or on the sidelines of a tense men’s basketball game.

when i was at the daily trojan covering usc football, i used to look around at all those guys from the Times, the Register, the Daily News, and want to be like them. want the big-time.

then a funny thing happened — i actually became a full-fledged reporter.

it’s a lot of hard work. damn hard work. even when you work in a small state like delaware and don’t have to compete with five other newspapers. i learned one thing quickly — i am not the greatest reporter in the world. i’m not good at digging for info, not good at asking people the hard questions, not good at asking people the right questions to get the right answers. i would get killed in a competitive market. i’m just not that good — yet. i am scared shitless when it comes to investigative stuff.

and there’s the work. lots of sitting around waiting for people to call you back. lots of research. all the little things that make you good.

but i also discovered i loved covering high schools. i loved the people. not many overblown egos (although the ones i’ve run into make me want to hit those people with my car). sure, parents can be bitchier because you’re writing about their kids. but for the most part, a lot of those people appreciate the fact you’re actually out there at their games. i get a lot of smiles and handshakes. i get a lot of hellos, some from people who actually go out of their way to talk to me. i feel that warm sense of community. there are wonderful people in prep sports, and wonderful stories that get overlooked. i feel like i’m doing something rewarding, which is what i got into this business for in the first place.

i’ve decided i don’t want the stress of the big-time anymore. it sounds corny, but i want to be with the people, if you know what i mean.

still, there is the prospect of all that grinding work. it really is a grind. and there’s also to prospect of covering stuff you think is absolutely crap and worthless and you’re so not into it. so i’ve turned to copy editing to fill the summer void. and i love it. i’ve always loved editing. my headline-writing skills need serious work, but i’ve been told my editing skills are good. i did a full day on the desk last night. it’s another thing i would consider doing. besides, how can you beat not having to roll into work until 6 p.m.? all kidding aside, it’s great work. it’s fun to be behind the scenes.

so maybe one day i’ll drop out of reporting completely. now that’s something i would have never thought of four years ago.

as i said, change is inevitable.

gym blues …

i woke up this morning (or more accurately, this afternoon — it was noon, after all) and saw…the sun! holy crap. we’d been getting a serious deluge here lately and seeing the sun was a minor miracle. unfortunately, it didn’t last too long…it is now cloudy again. bleh.

not a whole lot has been going on the last few days. classes have started up at the Y again, so i am super sore from working out. i am trying to get back on the fitness wagon. i was at a swim lesson yesterday and my teacher was trying to teach me how to dive…on one of my dives, my feet slipped as i jumped and i did a (painful) belly flop because of it. at least i didn’t slip and fall on the concrete or something. now that would have sucked big-time.

i wanted to mow my overgrown lawn today, but i’m too lazy. *sigh* i already slept half my day away. at least i’m going out to dinner with ed and elisa and matt in philly later….mmmm….lobster at downey’s….

now i’ll stop drooling.

SoCal, why do you torture me so?

i am back on terra ferma — on the east coast, that is.

the rest of my stay in san diego was rather uneventful. lots of food. hanging out. chitchat with all the ladies in my family and finding out all sorts of fun stuff about our parents and aunties and uncles (like the fact my auntie vicky got married at 16 — holy crap!)

leaving southern california always leaves me with lots of mixed feelings. i want to go back, but at the same time, i don’t. it was nice to be out there and see friends and family, but at the end, i was ready to go back. i felt like i had my fill of california. i don’t know. maybe i’d feel different if i had to move back.

but i learned a lot while being out there, mainly from talking to mae. i feel like i’ve grown closer to her, which is kinda funny because i’d always felt close to her sister. but mae and i have a lot in common (besides our delinquent streaks). so that’s cool. we’re like, the independent kindred spirits now. hahaha.

i also learned family isn’t as bad as i always make it out to be. we like to be at arms’ distance, but we’ll talk when we can. i think i have a lot more in common with my cousins now that we’re all older and facing all those different stages of life — graduation from high school, moving away, going to college — one after another. so i wouldn’t mind having family nearby if i went back to so cal — one reason why i didn’t mind leaving there in the first place.

funny how things change once you grow up.

yay rizza!

congrats to my cousin rizza for graduating…five years later….finally!

very busy day today…and it isn’t even really done yet…

went to rizza’s grad at uc san diego this morning….it was all crazy because we got about three hours of sleep. i got into town around 10:30 last night, and spent most of the night talking to rizza and her boyfriend mike and helping them make signs and goodie bags for the graduation. then mae came home, and she and i spend a good deal of the night talking about all sorts of stuff…like college…and adjusting to a new place…but we didn’t sleep until 3:30…and had to wake up at 7. argh. sleepy-tired. but i was actually fine during graduation. it was so cute, with rizza and a friend of hers holding up signs saying “dance rules” (she’s a double major — one of her majors is dance). she held up the diploma line. it was hella funny.

also saw some of rizza’s friends i hadn’t seen in a while, like emmet and judy. yay. we were all rowdy when rizza got called up on stage.

here’s some pictures….rizza had all sorts of leis and whatnot…i’m surprised she didn’t suffocate in there!

me, judy, rizza, vangie, jenn s. and julia.

jenn s., rizza and vangie.

the cool cousins…me, rizza and mae.

yeah, we’re cute, we know — it’s me and rizza.

the sign was supposed to say “rizza rules,” but the wind messed it up.

rizza and emmet.

and the day isn’t over yet…my parents and bro are supposed to be flying in…and we’re supposed to go to auntie vicky’s for dinner and stuff. oh, no…more food. like i haven’t eaten enough already (lunch was an all-you-can-eat buffet….)

just like old times …

last night was fun, fun, fun. i finally saw mark, after about 30 billion years. (actually, more like a year and a half…we figured it out). didn’t go anywhere, and we didn’t have to. just stayed at his place in hollywood. parking was a bitch though. and i got a parking ticket too. how was i supposed to know i’m not supposed to park on a white curb??? stupid LA parking cops. they gave it to me at close to 1:30 a.m., too. they’re such anal retentive bastards. it was a $30 parking ticket! i think i’m just not going to pay it. we’ll see.

anyhow, that really wasn’t the whole point of the night, of course. like i said, mark and i stayed at his place. it was like being at SC again, like hanging out at queen anne or something. lots of chitchat and catching up — he told me his older brother is getting married. *sigh* i used to think he was the cutest thing on earth. we cracked up over it.

and as is a recurring theme on this trip, everyone i know is getting married. this is getting crazy. and it’s reminding me i am an adult. scary. and of course, i reminded mark he was going to come and play for my wedding no matter what.

the rest of the night was just like old times, singing into the wee hours of the night. lots of disney songs (i like learning new stuff), lots of harmony, lots of fun. we managed to get through all of the indigo girls’ “ghost,” which was a minor miracle. we’ve always had trouble remembering the lyrics to that song, not to mention the harmony. we stumbled through it, forgot the last verse, then remembered it. it was crazy. i left around 1:45 in the morning, much the chagrin of ed, whose parents i guess were hassling him about the fact i was getting in really late. i felt like a high schooler again, getting let into the house and trying to be quiet. hahaha.

but it was all worth it. i hope mark and i go a little less than a year and a half between visits next time.

food … and being free!

yesterday was pretty cool. had lots and lots of food though. i don’t think i’ll eat for another week or something. bleh.

went to dinner with edgar and ed…more ten hu…more deep fried pork with spicy salt…yummy. we also went to shoot pool down in anaheim. i was hustling everyone. hahaha. i hadn’t played in a while, but had a good night. only lost once to ed because i scratched on the 8-ball. blah. otherwise, an incident-free night. i think edgar and i are cool again. it was the usual joking around and stuff. i think as long as no one mentions the miami incident, we’re okay.

today, not a whole lot. went to mitsuwa with ed, his sister kim and her friend ken. mitsuwa is always fun because of the cool japanese candy there. had some udon (yummy….trips to LA always involve so much food!) and messed around in the store for a while. mostly made fun of the screwed-up english (like conviction oven…as opposed to convection oven) and other crazy labels (like this gum called “nicodass” or something like that). japanese grocery stores kick ass.

i finally got all my work done this afternoon! woohoo! nanny-nanny-boo-boo. i feel like a liberated woman. procrastinated a bit, and had to do an interview in the car (while ed was driving), but at least i don’t have to worry about it.

later, i’m going to see mark. yay! i miss him. i haven’t seen him in 30 billion years. maybe we’ll sing and play piano at his apartment. i don’t know. but whatever we do, it should be loads of fun.

stupid lack of direction!

getting into LA yesterday was rather uneventful. i actually got some sleep and got some work done on the plane. a minor miracle.

i got off on the wrong foot, though. after i got my rental car, i couldn’t find my way back to the 105, so i had to hop on the 405 instead. i was trying to get to the 91 to get to ten hu to eat yummy chinese food with ed and his parents, so it was an ordeal getting all the way there. took a while. but i had my food. mmmmmm….

i knocked out a lot of visits, too. i stopped by auntie cynthia’s house in the afternoon. she wasn’t there, but jeck was, so we chitchatted a couple hours. it’s crazy because i remember him being this pudgy little kid and now he’s a lean, muscular high school junior. i was bummed that tim wasn’t there — he was still at uc riverside, taking finals — but it was all good. jeck and i were mostly talking about driving and playing sports and taking SAT’s and all that fun stuff. i find that i can talk to auntie cyn’s two oldest kids the easiest out of all my cousins, besides rizza and her sister of course. probably because i’ve seen them the most and lived in that house a couple of summers. but anyway…

i also met up with maureen at twohey’s…that’s like, our spot now. she was there with rob and his friend j.j. mo (or more accurately, her dad) bought this rundown old house in east LA, and now they’re trying to fix it up. she brought me up there. it was falling apart, but seemed like such a fun project. i was sad i wasn’t going to be around because i’d totally help her with her house. i got a little turned around trying to get back to the main street, but eventually got my bearings and went on my merry way.

what is it with me and getting lost?

so that was wednesday. today is shaping up to be a little more chill. going to get lunch in a little while and go with ed to return his car at LAX. i got one of my stories done this morning and still have to make a call for the second one, but i’ll worry about that later. we’re supposed to go out with edgar tonight, but i have no clue what’s going on. hahaha. some things never change.

i’m cranky as hell.

nothing much happened tuesday. just had to try and get some interviews for all-state stuff done. didn’t get anything really done in that department though — still got to write the stuff and talk to one more person. grrrr….i’m such a slacker. having a very long, involved and emotionally draining conversation about ed in the afternoon didn’t help either. long story short: it was about family and my adversarial relationship with them. ’nuff said.

so now it’s past midnight, which guarantees i won’t get enough sleep before my flight. and i’ll be tired and cranky as hell. i have to leave the house by 6:30 a.m., and that sucks. i haven’t even packed yet. and i have to mail some stuff and?deposit some cash before i head up to the airport. *sigh* traveling is such a pain in the ass sometimes. then i have to worry about work when i touch down and get all this crap out of the way. the price i pay for being a slacker. bleh.

and on that note, i guess i should stop procrastinating. i’d like to be coherent when i drive to the airport. and when i go through security.

high school drama … overrated.

lots of random thoughts in my head…

i was bored this morning, and as i do quite often, i went perusing around at other people’s xangas. it amazes me how many teens there are using the site (and how many of them seem to be from simon sanchez — but that’s a whole other story). lots of them talk about their dramas and problems and about hating their parents and drinking and crap like that…it cracks me up. not that their problems are funny, but it’s so interesting to think of how different it is when you get older and more mature and (hopefully) gain a lot of persepective.

o0(random thought: the thought of a high number of 15-year-olds getting drunk on guam is sort of disturbing. i know the legal age is 18 and all, but damn. i wish i’d gotten started that early. HAHAHAHA!)

sometimes these things are about being dumped and about being attached to your ex and about never being able to find someone else, yada yada yada. i remember feeling like that after my first boyfriend dumped me as a high school junior (yeah, i started late. so sue me. ). i remember feeling depressed and like the world was going to end and generally about how much it sucked. i was all whiny and clingy and generally made an ass of myself around him when i saw him after we broke up. makes me say why???? all that for someone who, from other accounts,?turned out to be a total jerk? someone who my friends offered to beat up with some wood two-by-fours? (hahaha, i know i’m evil. and i had thug friends.)

then, of course i got over it. girl meets another boy, boy and girl go out, girl gets dumped, girl gets all depressed. it’s the neverending fuckin’ cycle. or sometimes you don’t meet another boy. that’s okay too. that means you’re just too good for anyone at the moment.

it all makes me want to say: dude, it’s going to be okay. really.

no boy who dumps you is ever worth all the tears and sadness and all that shit. never. i learned that quickly. and now i would have beaten the shit out of the pathetic me in high school. it’s almost humorous that i used to be so dependent on a boy. dude, that’s what friends are for. and extracurricular activities. get busy, do something productive. best remedy out there. not the easiest, but it’s the best in the long run. no use in clinging on to your past and trying to be an optimist when you know deep down nothing good is going to ever happen with your ex. all valuable lessons i’ve learned along the way.

and as the saying goes, shit happens. just deal with it. seriously.

everyone knows high school is so full of drama. people hate you, spread rumors about you, everyone makes you feel insignificant. i wanted to transfer from aolg because of some snotty stuck-up bitches who turned some people against me but stuck with it. i found out who my real friends were eventually (and a fair amount of them didn’t go to aolg). it’s a rat race. it’s probably a lot worse now than it was when i was in high school. but it’s all part of life. someday you’ll look back and laugh (like i’m doing right now).

perspective is a wonderful thing. i’m grateful i also left the damn island to get it. and all those experiences made me grow up and realize you have to take care of yourself first. because if you don’t do it, no one will, and if you don’t have yourself and your pride and self-respect, you have nothing.

those currently in high school may think their lives are neverending drama, but you’ll grow up. and chances are, it’ll get better.

there was a point i didn’t think my life would get much better. but it did. i have a degree. i have a boy who will marry me someday (when we’re not poor). i have money issues sometimes and debts to pay off and need mommy money sometimes, but i am living on my own for the most part. i feel good about life. and i am proud i went from a pathetic, clingy, emotionally immature and insecure high schooler to the person i am today.

there is too much life to live and too much to live for. so don’t blow it.