that rosebud girl

men and women.

there’s an entry on edgar’s weblog about the relationships of men and women…and about how there will always be some sort of sexual tension between them no matter what. it’s so true. my theory is that when a man and woman (boy and girl, whatever) become friends: it is inevitable that?one of two things will happen:

1) they will hook up.

2) one will want to hook up and the other won’t want to.

and if 2) happens, then one of two things will happen:

a) they’ll never be friends again because it’ll just be too “weird.”

b) they’ll hate each other for about a week and then be best friends.

but yes, it is inevitable: someone will want to hook up with somebody. don’t even deny it. IT IS TRUE!!!! YOU CAN’T RUN AWAY FROM THE TRUTH!!!!

(okay, i’ll stop screaming from my roof.)

i think of all the male friends i’ve had through the years, through high school, college, etc. man, i’ve had a lot of male friends. and i’ve admittedly, liked a lot of them. and, being the bold, gutsy female that i am, i’ve spilled the beans and made the move. or, in one case, they made the move. and i’ve gotten mixed results.

one friend turned out to be gay. he’s one of my best friends.

one turned out to really like me too. i’ll probably?get married to him. (that’s ed.)

with one friend, we found out almost two years later that we liked each other at the same time but never did anything about it and if we’d said something maybe we could have hooked up. but we didn’t. he’s my other best friend and someone i consider a little brother. (and i’d never hook up with someone i consider a brother….ew.)

one friend let me down gently….i was mad for a week….then we were best friends….and then i hooked him up with his future wife.

and others, well….the friendship was never strong enough to survive the “i like you” test anyway…so i don’t talk to any of them.

but i think just about every male/female relationship will hit that point….where someone admits they like the other person….and your relationship will either burn out in flames or turn out to be something really good….whether you end up hooking up or staying the best of friends…..

relationships are so weird.

on life …

i live a pathetically happy life. i don’t hate my job. i like where i live. i don’t want to get the hell out of dodge. i’m not broke, though i could probably stand to be?a little richer. i do what i want to do, travel where i want to travel, and move to the beat of my own drum.

yet, there is something missing.

my other half isn’t happy. and that puts a great big damper on the whole thing.

the problem is fundamental. it’s one of location. according to ed, we are in the wrong place. we should be in los angeles. but we are in delaware.

the solution is simple: get out of delaware and move to california.

the execution is an entirely different story, of course. and there’s all sorts of philosophical issues along the way.

do i really want to leave here? well, not really. i’d be perfectly fine with spending the rest of my life here. but i’d leave for ed’s sake. because watching a person be miserable every single day of his life is too much to bear.

sometimes i feel like i’m doing this more for him than i am for me. but these are the things you do when you care about someone that much, i guess.

could i reconstruct my carefully crafted delaware life back in los angeles? maybe. some pieces of it would have to go, which i may resent, but would probably get over it after a while. california would mean bye-bye to 5 p.m. shifts and to coaching soccer probably; as a copy editor in LA, i’d have to get into work by 3, leave around midnight and probably wouldn’t have the flexibility in time and days off to coach. it might mean no ballet lessons and it would probably mean not watching any SC games in person anyway because it’s all a matter of scheduling.

but this is all about sacrifice, isn’t it? that has been the theme of my entire life. give to the downtrodden. lend an ear. lend some time. put someone else ahead of yourself. hell, i’ve been doing that for some of my closest friends since i could comprehend the concept of sacrifice.

you know, somewhere along the way i discovered i had the east coast mentality. i grew up with the island life, the laid-back, kick-back, “whatever” style. i still think people get too uptight sometimes and still think people need to chill out. but i have the mean streak. i have what ed calls the east coast attitude. i can be a general asshole and it doesn’t really bother me. i’ve been like that for a long time. it’s why i fit in out here. it’s why i can’t ever go back to guam and expect to be there for a long period of time without wanting to throw someone against a wall. (but that’s an entirely different journal in itself.)

i threw my delaware life aside once already. i guess i could do it again. does that mean the roles will switch and i will now be miserable? maybe at first. but in the long run, i guess we’d both find the happy medium.

i think i can be happy anywhere. sometimes i wish i could say the same about other people. but life doesn’t work out that way. that’s where sacrifice comes in.

and that’s really what life’s all about.

life’s complications.

i am going to north carolina in a couple of weeks to visit a couple of friends….jeff and jaime…they are engaged….but they’re younger than ed and i….which is kind of crazy. but i haven’t seen them since they moved to carolina way back in march of this year….and when i talked to jaime to arrange this trip, it turned into a bitch-fest about how much she and jeff hate their jobs and want out of their tiny ass paper in north carolina….and something struck me…..

i was having that conversation all over again. except i usually have that conversation with ed. it was deja vu. it was all weird. and it was weirder because i was at work talking on instant messenger. but the themes were all the same: person wants out, is willing to drop out of?journalism, and the highest priority is getting the hell out of dodge.

and it makes me sad.

it’s kind of this weird feeling. i feel like i’ve found my happy medium, and yet, i look around and see that everyone else hasn’t. and i feel kind of helpless. especially in ed’s case. i’m not naive enough to think to myself, “why can’t all these people just get over it and live with what they have and be happy?” because it’s not that easy. i was stuck in that spot a few months ago and was fortunate enough to do something to make myself feel better. but the variables are a little different here. wanting out of a place is something totally different. it takes more effort. and it involves a little more frustration and heartbreak. and it’s something i have no power over. and i am helpless. and i hate it.

and i am in a weird place. i am happy and sad at the same time. *sigh*

whose idea was it to make life complicated? but i guess without complications, it wouldn’t be interesting. boy, am i a contrarian philosopher.

stupid parking cops!

so i went to check my mail on my way home tonight and what do i see in the box? a freakin’ parking ticket….from the LA parking department….for a violation i had like, four months ago! damn bastards. they tracked my down through rental car records….because i got the ticket while using a rental car.

i’m really convinced now that LA parking people are freakin’ nazis. sheesh. and i thought they were bad when i lived there.

i guess i’ve learned my lesson — i’m never letting a city parking ticket go unpaid.

at least the parking people were kind enough not to charge me a million late fees…but still….

chicago pictures!

okay, so i finally had some time to post some pictures from chicago. unfortunately, edgar had some of the prize ones. so mine kind of suck. oh well. here we go….

that’s nop and me drinking up at a pub near our hotel in chicago. nop finally had her guinness. too bad she had no idea what it was before….

that’s me drinking a beer at notre dame….

that’s edgar (on the right) punching edward in front of the buckingham fountain….if the fountain looks familiar, it’s because it’s the one from the opening credits of “married with children”…

that’s edward, me, edgar (being a goofball, trying to pick nop’s nose) and nop in front of the fountain.

edgar is in front of soldier field. i’m surprised he didn’t kiss the ground. he’s such a big bears fan.

that’s ed standing outside his childhood home in chicago. we randomly decided to go and see it since we were in the general vicinity (near wrigley). luckily, no one came out and chased us away or whatever.

okay, that’s it. i have a billion other pictures, but they’re on my own website. so there.

now i have to go an do errands. bleh. and the weather is rather shitty outside. cold and windy and cloudy. double bleh.

ghetto fools …

one of my favorite pictures from the chicago trip….and i didn’t even take it…edgar did.

we’re looking so ghettofabulous at notre dame….this was after SC kicked ND’s sorry ass…

i’m such a thug. lol! it’s all about that hat (which wasn’t mine, either — it was edgar’s).

more pictures later. still working on it…..

chicago!

so the big trip finally happened. and you bet it was interesting. and fun. it wasn’t without its minor disasters (none of these trips ever are), but all in all, it was good times.

thursday: i got into chicago without incident. i was also the first one there. was hella tired, but went up to see my cousin gaye since i haven’t seen her in more than a year. went with her and her friend michelle to some sweet japanese place that was not only really really really really really good, but super cheap. i felt kind of bad because i didn’t really hang out with gaye by herself much and i didn’t really say much the whole time i was there because 1) i was kind of tired; and 2) gaye and her friends are all hard-core filipino….they’re all fluent in tagalog….and i felt kind of lame because i could understand them but i couldn’t speak back in the same language. and i felt kind of stupid responding in english. i don’t know. it was weird. but fun anyway.

edgar, nop, and jerome all came in way later….i met them at the airport…..and we all rode back to the hotel….and apparently those three ran into this guy they?had seen all?day at LAX and on the plane….and they joked they were going to see him at the game saturday. we never figured out his name, so edgar said we’d call him ralph….and i said, “as in i’m gonna ralph?”….and that was only the beginning of all the?memorable quotes we’d say all weekend….

we got back and were kind of hungry. we tried to go to this pub across the street but it was already closing….but edgar and jerome had a guinness….which nop realized was a dark beer whose name she wasn’t sure of….except she had told edgar and jerome “it was a beer that starts with ‘A’”….it was funny. i guess you had to be there to really get it.

anyway,we went to a convenience store down the street to grab grub. that wasn’t enough for those guys so they ordered room service….24-hour room service kicks ass. we all didn’t sleep until 3:30 a.m….but what a great night.

friday: the day was barely three hours old and already we had a ton of stuff happen. we went and ate lunch at cheesecake factory….this whole trip was one big meal….damn….anyway, we were hanging out in front of the hancock building waiting for our table….when i saw someone i thought i knew…someone from st. anthony. it looked like john hetzel, my old old old classmate…whom i probably haven’t seen in six or seven years or so. anyway, he disappeared. but i saw him later in the restaurant just before we got seated….and he said hi to me first. he recognized me! it was a trip. turns out he’s going to grad school at northwestern now. but it was crazy. i didn’t get to talk to him much because we had to sit down, but how often do you see someone from elementary/middle school in a totally different city. holy crap.

to make lunch even more interesting, we had this waiter who looked like a high school version of ron jeremy. i thought he looked like weird al yankovic. we kept cracking jokes about the poor guy. and talking about porn. sheesh.

ed came in later in the afternoon, and we just toured the city…water tower, navy pier, the hancock observatory. we were there just in time for the sunset, which was unbelievable. we ate at harry caray’s later (mmm….steak) and then i just crashed. so much for drinking and partying. i was so lame. and lame for the rest of the trip. *sigh*

saturday: this was game day. and the traffic into notre dame was ridiculous. then we went through the ticket fisaco. we never scored tickets before the game, and scalpers were demanding $200 a ticket, which we were never going to fork over. so we walked around for two hours looking and never got lucky. but we did get to watch the game on these big screen TVs in the hockey/basketball arena. so that was cool. SC kicked ass of course. we probably had more fun watching the game on TV in that arena. and we had beer. and nop became an instant mother — she was playing catch with some kid in the arena. and we ran into ralph — his real name was andy, as it turned out — while we were walking back to our car….now that was crazy.

we didn’t stick around long enough to hang out with terrance after the game…but ed and i did chat him up before it started at least. that guy hasn’t changed a bit. but we headed back to chicago early…hit the traffic from hell….and we all felt kind of shitty and tired and sweaty. just had cajun food at a jazz bar and crashed. again. still feeling lame because i haven’t drank shit to that point.

and edgar comes up with the quote of the day: “the only thing snoring here is you and your ass.” inside joke. you had to be there.

sunday: long day again. more sightseeing. the day started rocky for me but i got over it. went to chinatown and had some really good fried pork….definitely in the top three i’ve ever had….mmmm….like i said, this whole trip was one big meal. there was more sightseeing….buckingham fountain (think married with children…damn the fountain is huge)….soldier field…wrigley field…damn, my feet were killing me. since we were at wrigley, we meandered down to ed’s childhood home and took pictures of it….it was funny because we weren’t sure which one it was at first. ed had to call his mom to figure it out. luckily, no one came out of the house and chased us away or anything.

we split up for dinner that night because edgar and nop went with jerome to some swanky ass steak place….ed and i had to settle for pizza because nothing else was really open. good stuff anyway. we all got back and wanted to go out, but i crashed and burned again. ugh. and i missed the chance to shoot pool. double ugh.

so here i am, recovering. i realized during this trip that i am not a spring chicken anymore. how sad. i came in hoping to party my ass off and didn’t. and i felt lame. and i felt i let some people down. but i don’t know what it was. ever since october started i haven’t felt 100 percent. am i breaking down? nooooooooooooo! i can’t be. that was the only aspect of the trip that sucked. i felt like i was 80 years old, going to sleep at 11:30 p.m. two out of those four nights. ugh. i’m so sorry….maybe it was too much food….or some other unknown physical ailment that i don’t know about and might hit me in a couple of weeks….whatever it was, it sucked.

still, those trips are always good times. damn. we need to do one again. we took tons of pictures too.

unfortunately, though, vacation is over. and i have a ton of shit to do. and i have to go back to work. *sigh*

deer park and my birthday!

my birthday was fun. i went out with pete and bill to deer park….had lots of beers…lots of dancing….got really really really really toasted. luckily, though, those guys took care of me and let me crash on their couch. it was good times. it’s always good times hanging out with pete.

here’s a picture of us at the deer park….my hair is so nappy….and don’t even ask me how many beers we’d had at this point….

relatives in jersey.

tuesday was pretty cool. i made the haul up to dover (jersey, not delaware) to see auntie vicky and my cousin dianne….they happened to be up there with my lola lydia, visiting my dad’s cousin and stuff….it was this super nice house. i took them to new york for a couple of hours, since auntie vicky and dianne had never been out on the east coast before. it was a tiring trip for me because i got up at 7 a.m. and got stuck in accident traffic on the nj turnpike (sucked big time), but it was cool to see auntie and dianne and hang out with some relatives. i got a parking ticket at the dover train station, which i’m debating whether or not to pay (yeah, i’m a delinquent). otherwise, the day was pretty cool.

i’m tired now though. a little sleepy. i’ve only gotten through?half my day though. i also got some birthday greetings already, from the expected (mom and ed) to the unexpected (an e-mail from jill…holy crap). and yes, there will be beer in my future tonight…..

now off to take a nap perhaps….or get some lunch…..i hate being hungry and sleepy at the same time because it’s hard to choose between the two…..

a day in ocean city.

thursday was pretty awesome. ed took me to ocean city (maryland, not jersey) for an early birthday present. it was cold and pretty windy and there weren’t too many people out and about because the summer season is way over, but it was still lots of fun. lots of just hanging out and doing whatever….having no obligations is pretty damn sweet. we went mini golfing (i lost by a lot….on two courses….and choked on one hole when i had a sizeable lead)….ate seafood (mmmm….best clams i’ve ever had)…..went ice skating….went bowling….i bowled the best i ever have…..kicked ed’s ass…bowled a 150 in one game! we played three games and i broke 100 each time…i don’t think i’ve ever done that. i had a bunch of strikes…so at least i won at something.

now it is back to the regularly scheduled program. oh, well. ed is also going to phoenix/la for a week….so i will be all alone again. *sigh*

well, at least my real birthday is coming up….and i see beer in my future…..