that rosebud girl

a little poetry.

i’ve been writing a lot lately over the past few weeks and figured i might as well post some stuff for public consumption. why not?

here’s one, still no title. i find that i don’t title a lot of my poetry.

i’ll smile even when i’m broken in two
and keep coming back to you
even if i shut the world out
i’ll always let you back in, no doubt
i always promised to remember it well
even if it leaves me only a shell
i will lie to hide the pain
and i will come back once again
i once loved you, i truly did
but goodbye to that we bid
i can’t let you go, i can’t say no
though deep inside we already know
something in us already died
and what we tell ourselves are lies
i’ll put on a brave face just for you
because it’s the only thing i know to do

bruises and battle scars.

quick, if you saw someone walking around with this welt, wouldn’t you wonder what the hell happened?

that is day 3 of karaoke bruise. and yes, it’s a rather hot topic since you know, not everyone had the privilege of witnessing the actual incident. but everyone can see the aftermath. (well, that, and i’m damn proud of said bruise and keep showing it to people.)

it usually takes a few days for those things to get really gnarly, and i have to say that is the gnarliest bruise i’ve had in a while. this was what it looked like yesterday morning:

this bruise rivals the one i got in high school during a soccer scrimmage. i was defending some kid (who of course was taller and bigger than me) and we both were going for the ball. well, the boy kicked me square in the shin. hard. and the shin guard didn’t do jackshit. and i kept running.

next day, though, i had a bruise about as big as my fist. and it was green. i showed that off for a while. (well, we wore catholic schoolgirl skirts in high school … not like i could hide that battle scar!)

but this bruise is definitely more gnarly. it’s dark, for crying out loud. and i think there’s a better story behind it.

someone was saying to me yesterday that it was a damn shame there wasn’t video of said incident. i don’t even think there are pictures. unless someone whipped out a cell phone camera at the right time. oh, well.

another year older!

today i turned 29. 30’s in sight!

my 28th year on this planet was a hell of an interesting one, for sure. i bid farewell to a career in sports (but not farewell to journalism). i gained a couple of close friends. i got in a band. i had opportunities that i never dreamed of come to life. it was a good year, indeed.

best of all, i had the best birthday celebration ever. (even if it was the day before.) it totally kicks the pants off no. 21 (surprise party at maureen’s) and no. 26 (usc-arizona football game and general tailgate craziness).

had a nice dinner with a few people, then went and karaoked the night away. it was fun. and crazy. highlights?

- i am now 2-for-2 when it comes to spilling water at aioli. i dodged spilling glasses of wine, but two glasses of water were casualties when i tried to get up to greet judy and took a tablecloth with me.

- i had a little mishap toward the end of karaoke and fell into the tv stand (and i have the bruises to prove it).

- lisa bought me a cake, which immediately shoots her up my list of favorite people.

- ahmed and parker showed up to karaoke, and i haven’t hung out with those guys in forever. i was so glad they were there.

and the photographic evidence:

this was taken at the end of the night. i heart all my boys: andrew, ed, ahmed and parker.

the night was not young in this photo.

the night was indeed still young in this photo, and i almost felt like i was going to a formal with parker ’cause we looked hella sharp!

lisa and me. (no cake in the photo, though.) she can wail on a mic, for reals.

this was right when ahmed showed up, and he rocked it hard as things went on.

here’s evidence of ahmed rocking out. he and andrew had easily the most brilliant performance of the night, channeling a little rivers cuomo and doing “say it ain’t so” right.

what is this, the hair twins? actually, andrew was rocking out, too, and parker just had to encapsulate the moment.

me and my favorite drummer. he bought me a capo for my birthday. that might put him above lisa on the favorite people list.

and of course, the band had to get together for a photo.

thanks to all who witnessed it and made the party such a great frickin’ time.

here’s hoping the run-up to 30 is just as good as this year was.

feelin’ lyrical and pondering life.

it’s been a long time since i’ve done a lyrical blog. i’ve been listening to lots of music lately, thinking about lyrics, writing a few, etc. it’s that whole music-helps-me-think thing. and i’m feeling kind of philosophical.

this is going to be an epic post, just a warning!

***

staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you’re breathing in
i know i won’t forget a thing

all of the love we threw away
all of the hopes we cherished fade
making the same mistakes again
making the same mistakes again
– muse, “falling away with you”

this entire song is frickin’ amazing, but this is probably one of my favorite parts. so beautifully sad. especially the line “watching the fantasies decay/nothing will ever stay the same.” because that’s just how it is when good things end.

you often promise the good things to people and they often turn out wrong in the end. i’m sure that’s something a lot of people can relate to. who hasn’t said goodbye and promised to stay in touch and didn’t? who hasn’t walked away from someone and not felt like it was one of the biggest failures of their lives?

think about that line, “all of the hopes we cherished fade.” everyone moves on at some point and it’s not always pretty.

we all have our successes, but we have far more failures. and a few tragic failures at that.

***

the despair can ravage you
if you turn your head around to look down the path
that’s led you here,
cause what can you change?
you’re a vessel now
floating down the waterways
you can take your rudder
and aim your ship,
just don’t bother with the things left in your wake

and …

and you walk across the stage,
take a bow, hear the applause,
and as the curtain falls,
just know you did it all
the best that you knew how
and you can hear them cheering now
so let a smile out and show your teeth
cause you know you lived it well
– saves the day, “this is not an exit”

another great song. hard to pick just a couple of parts out of it.

the first part is something i’ve always related to. i leave a lot of things in my wake. i get reminded of that time and again. sometimes you learn and sometimes history repeats itself. either way, it’s never easy because you can’t help but look back into the wake and see what bits and pieces are bobbing about. i think looking backwards is just human nature and some of us don’t do it as often as others.

the second part is not a bad philosophy in life. “just know you did it all/the best you knew how.” we all have warts and foibles and failures, but dammit, we’ve lived. sometimes, the harder you’ve had it, the more rewarding your life becomes. you feel like you’ve lived. even when it sucks. and you did it the best you could.

***

i think that it’s brainless
to assume that making changes
to your window’s view will give a new perspective
– death cab for cutie, “blacking out the friction”

i couldn’t agree with that statement more. sometimes people run away from where they are and assume that changing location solves all problems. nope. not always. discovering the underlying issue is always the trickiest part.

***

well i stand at the crossroads
of high roads and low roads
and i got a feeling it’s right

if the world isn’t turning
your heart won’t return anyone, anything, anyhow
– travis, “love will come through”

(now, i know a lot of hard-core travis fans hate the record “12 memories,” but this is probably my favorite travis song of all-time.)

who hasn’t stood at that juncture when you have to decide whether to pour your heart out or not? it’s a terrifying thing. but sometimes the feeling is so real you do it. because if you didn’t, then you’d probably regret it. and if you didn’t, maybe you didn’t really feel it at all.

also, the only way you won’t ever truly feel anything is if the world stops turning and you’re pretty much dead. everyone feels things because they’re human and you can’t help it. so don’t deny the feeling, good or bad. just figure out how to best deal with it.

***

you’ve been going out of way to agree
like you’ve been rubbing yourself all wrong just to be somebody else’s genie
catering to your disasters every need
waiting to finally be set free
– poets of the fall, “fragile”

this is kind of the story of my life. and i know it. it’s kind of sad that i know it. i’m running around like a chicken without a head and catering to everyone and their mother. catering to everyone but myself. and people keep telling me that. and i keep on catering.

old habits are hard to break sometimes.

sometimes i wish change was a lot easier.

***

my best judgement signed its resignation
– death cab for cutie, “title track”

pithy, succinct, very well put. everyone has been exactly there as the lyric describes. don’t lie.

i just really like that line and the sentiment behind it.

***

(thus ends these lyrical musings.)